I just want to be a better person.

Writing for some is a form of escape. I think it is, too. But writing makes me feel lonely. I feel lonely because I write when I have nobody to talk to. I write when my emotions are so intense I just want to get them out somewhere. (Ah. My head is hurting right now again. It has been like this since Friday midnight.) 

But writing is beautiful. To translate one’s thoughts into something… understandable… is amazing. Although I believe words will always fall short expressing one’s self, writing them well will somehow get the message across. Ah. Speaking of actions speak louder than words. I believe that. That is why I try to do things more than voice them out. Just some things. La la la.

I found this in one of my college folders hehe

deep down im weary
tired and not dreamy
dying would not hurt as muchdeep down im empty
lost and not searching
the world is still a better place
with one less person aroundoh help me
oh help mehug me
hug mejust be here
just be hereor even listen
just listen

One of my many weaknesses as a person is being bad at keeping relationships. Last Jan. 6, 2018, one friend and I visited our other friend to see how she was. Upon knowing that she’s going through something, I felt hurt that she didn’t reach out to me. Prior this event, she would be asking me for advice or whatnot and I would happily give her so because I genuinely care for her. But now, she did not. Then I realized that what I was feeling toward the situation did not matter. I guess I just thought we’re pretty solid, though. But as a friend, I still needed to do my part – be there for her. And I guess I did. I hope I did. 

One of my many dreams as a kid was to become a chef. No, I did not get the aspiration from my parents but from cooking shows in tv. That cute little white hat along with the apron seemed fun to wear. I also like eating so the thought of making my own food instead of waiting for it then eat it right after sounded and still sounds heavenly. However, I remember I kept hearing from adults especially from the mother that “mahal maging chef/mahal ang culinary na course” which killed the little chef in me. But now, I still want to be a good cook. I want to cook good food. Haha. I want to know what goes in what I eat. I want to know what’s the best quality ingredient. I want to feed my friends and family. I don’t want to rely on deliveries and fast food. Now cooking is just an occasional thing. I will cook when I asked or when I have something I want to cook like pasta carbonara. 

In the kitchen, I want to be by myself. I don’t want any helper. They tend to just mess around. I don’t like cutting onions; they make me cry sometimes. Sometimes, I tend to become impatient when I peel off the skin of vegetables or fruits. 

That’s it. Hay. I guess cooking is something I do but not really good at it, as always.